I feel like I need to take some time to myself, do a bit of traveling, and then finish school. I know i've had kind of a "break" this year, but I really just do not know what to do with my life. I know what I want to "be", but I don't know how I should go about getting there. I just have this terrible fear that if I do end up going back to Denton this summer, I'll never save up money to travel, I'll get married, and then my life will be over. If I did it now, when I'm at a comfortable place with my job, when I'll be living back with my parents and thus making $400 a week and not having to pay rent, I can afford to save and do some travel. I just don't know what to do. And then there's the whole, I don't think I can travel in Europe by myself ordeal. Because I really don't think I can, so who goes with me? I don't know what to do. This is really starting to irritate myself, my parents, and my boss. They just want me to decide to do something and stick with it. My heart tells me to travel (cheesy) but my brain is like "IF YOU DONT GO BACK TO SCHOOL YOULL NEVER FINISH". WTF am I going to do?

So i worked really hard on this one paper and was fairly certain it was going to be accepted (she was doing them on an acceptance/non acceptance basis) and to get a B in my US History class I HAD to turn this in. Well I just checked my email and this was her response:

I read your paper and it is not OK for credit. It contains many grammar errors(;like run on sentences and sentence fragments) and usage errors (words used incorrectly). It is repetitive and does not get to the gist of the argument in the middle of the book. Instead, it remains vague.

Since the paper is not OK for credit, you will earn a C for the course.

WTF IS THAT SHIT, I DONT MAKE GRAMMAR ERRORS IN PAPERS. that's like the only thing I know I didn't do wrong. Repetitive, probably so. But I feel that for a fucking 1000 level course (freshman level) that god damn paper should have been accepted. Bullshit.

whatever, i'm fucking done with this semester. well, i have a paper left.

omg i'm an adult, i'm worried about ~finances~ now. i've always been like "ho hum I don't have enough money" but I mean, I just made a spread sheet. Who does that? I can't be the only person. I feel like I get paid well enough to NOT be in debt, yet I AM in debt, and yet I still go out and blow $100's on clothes a month...that I don't need... and now it's like, i hate being under my credit cards.

life blows. well, at least in this aspect it does. i have no complaints with anything else. other than i hate school, but that's nothing new.

my goal this week is to use up the rest of the film in my holga camera. that is all. and return a dress I bought that looked good on me at the store but not so good on me at home.


i'm also currently very irritated that baseball is on and not House. And also that I have a paper due Friday that I've known about for three weeks, that I have not started yet.

I bet you're wondering how I spend my Monday nights... Apart from Gossip Girl, tonight I settled in with a nice hot cup of apple cider and five issues of Southern Living.

Exciting. Don't shake in your boots just yet, because I also finally put my sheets back on my bed after washing them a week ago.

I wish the leaves would change here. They did in Denton. Well, they did in this one lot across from the Piggly Wiggly (or what used to be) off Sherman street. They were gorgeous, and I only wish I could see it right now.

Anyway, back to Southern Living, I have to dream of vintage furniture and cottages for now.

OH, one last thing. I assisted with photographing a wedding about two months back, and now the photographer is offering me a paid position at $75 an HOUR for his highest package, which includes two photographers. Fantastic.

It's cold and rainy and beautiful and I have to write a paper. Which almost makes me not enjoy today.

There is a bug on my windowsill, and it's staring at me, and I've been staring at it for at least ten minutes. Who is going to make the first move?


I want to move to Portland.

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


i will not, and will never protest to it being *58 in Austin, in September. It's magical. It's better than magical, it's amazing. We turned the air conditioner off and opened the windows, and I hope that terrible machine never has to be turned back on until May. -crosses finger- Goodbye, $200 electricity bills, hello $80 ones.

everyone is getting married. and i'm kind of starting to realize that i want it too. maybe i just want to be in a real relationship, who knows, but that doesn't hide the fact that every time i get on facebook somebody else has tied the knot.

I am alive! And with internet!

Now, how is everyone?

quick pop in (i don't have the internet at the moment) to say that i think i'm the only person who didn't enjoy harry potter. perhaps i just spent the entire night being bitter and resentful towards the cheerleaders and jocks that invaded my love for harry potter. when did it become cool? because I sure remember being made fun of for liking it, in fact, i remember spending an entire day in the nurses office because Billy Allen once told me I was a freak because I read them, and the nurses office was my sanctuary. So now I don't understand it suddenly being cool, and I don't think I ever will.

I also just didn't like the movie, too much made up shit and not enough of what actually happens in the book. Also- it was like watching a teen romance movie, I wanted to fork my eyeballs out.

This has been weighing down on me for quite some time now, and I really just need to type it all out in order to really understand how I am feeling about it. It's a bit whiny, or so I'm assuming it's going to be, so bear with me here.


I've been wondering a lot recently why it is that I don't have a lot of friends. I understand that I am a very introverted type of person, and with that introverted nature I fear comes a side of off-putting bitchiniess that I have no way to control. I am really uncomfortable around people I don't know well, and I have that bad habit of talking too much and saying really pretentious/twat like things that I regret almost immediately after they leave my mouth.

But overall I'd like to think that I'm an alright person. I know I've done some things in the past that have screwed people over, and I haven't always been the best of friends to those I hold close to me, but I don't understand why it is that I have lost all of my friends and I am now currently at 1 person that I can talk to and confide in on a regular basis. It really hurts, and it makes me really upset to know that often being included in social events is based on whether or not Sarah is going, because she's basically the only constant in my life that I can depend on, and I am grateful that I have her as a friend. But I still want more friendships, and I wish I could understand what it is about me that keeps people from wanting to spend time with me. I know it's better to not know your personality flaws, but sometimes I wish someone would slap me in the face and wake me up to reality and clue me in as to why people don't like me. Sarah and Peter are the only two people who seem to be up to the challenge of handling me and catering to my incredibly...needy...personality. I like being by myself, in fact I really like it a lot, but when I have had no social contact with anyone in two weeks apart from Sarah, when the only person who texts me is my mother, and I try to reach out to new friends that I thought enjoyed my company, I always come out empty handed.

I feel like here, in Austin, where I grew up, I have no more friends. Run on, whatever.

So here's to another weekend where I will probably sit by myself, read, and wish someone would just reach out to me first.

dude i want to do p90x it looks kick ass. i want a super toned body. not body builder gross man body, but a feminine toned one...

Dear Denton,
I'm coming back. You are the only town I can live in other than Austin (in Texas). Most of the people who caused me pain while residing in you have left and gone on their own ways. If they haven't left town, they've certainly left the place of my former and perhaps future employment. I hope this time we can work it out, because I'd really like to graduate before I'm 23. Also, I have more luck with men whilst living in you. I hope you can treat me as you once did before I went insane and had to leave. I feel like I am a much older, wiser, and more mature human than I was when I left you in such a hurry last time. I never had beef with you, I think you are a great place to live as a college student. Well, at least around campus you are. The more I think about moving back, the more I feel like it's a good idea. I'm just stuck in a rut here, and can't think of another school to finish out at, and community college is getting on my nerves. I no longer have the patience to deal with it, nor do I enjoy the fact that I have almost no friends here. I know I have friends in you, and will have friends. I hope this is the right thing for me, but just in case, I'll be seeing you in August to make sure I don't go insane again, because that was not a very bright time in my past. In fact, I'd like to pretend everything that happened never did, and if I should run into someone from that past, please don't let them recognize me.
Hopefully yours,
Whitney

Sorry about my previous post, I was at a very weak moment. I don't intend on settling for that life at all, I was just in a weird mood. But I'm better.

I still don't have my couches. They are supposedly being shipped out tomorrow, but who knows. I'll probably never get them.

In other news, ANIMAL COLLECTIVE is tomorrow (and yes, I am excited so I have felt the need to capitalize it everywhere).

i want my couches so instead of sulking around on my computer after a really really bad (i mean really bad) day i can watch my go to bad mood movie, Manhattan, and think about what my life could have been like up there. i've come to terms that i just dream too big. i'll probably find myself married with children in five years, and all of my hopes and dreams will cease to exist and i will go on living a life i know is not for me but that's how life is I guess.


sorry. i'm in a sour mood. i'm going to bed, and it's only 9:30.

I'm thinking ahead long term here, but I have decided that when I'm done with school and traveling, and ready to "settle down", I was to buy a house in New England (ish) and renovate it, but keep it's original features. I'm really bored and putting off a bunch of things right now, so basically I'm looking at houses. I really like this one:
http://www.historicprop.com/historicprop/detail.aspx?mls_no=2778911
http://www.historicprop.com/historicprop/detail.aspx?mls_no=2778735
http://www.stonehouseproperties.com/7StockbridgeRd/index.html


etc. you get my point.

Oh man, my grades at ACC have somehow managed to blow my grades from UNT out of the water. Surprisingly, despite it being a community college, ACC happens to also be more "rigorous" than UNT, if you can call it that. Whatever, two A's, a B, and a C (which really upset me, but whatever), which makes my gpa a 3.1, thank god it's finally back where it needs to be. Now, if I can pull another semester and actually get all A's (it's possible) as well as A's this summer, I may have a chance to get into UT, especially since my Design teacher thinks that I could get in on my portfolio alone. Ego stroke. We'll see. I may just end up moving to Portland after this year is over. At this point I'm going with the flow, and letting life takes me where it wants to.

I am probably going to unpack all of my clothes and get them into my closet and realize that I have waaaaay tooooooo maaaannnnyyyyyyy clothes. But alas, I am a shopaholic. Seriously, I get highs just thinking about spending money.

I still have a lot to do, but absolutely no desire to move off the couch. I really need to go to the gym, but that probably won't happen today.

I'm going with plum, thanks for your votes! The couch arrives on June 1st. Eeeeeek I'm excited!

I really want to see Night at the Museum! Way more than any other movie out right now.

Ok, I need your opinion. Red couch set or Plum couch set? The ladies at work are getting together and getting me a couch (I know, I'm spoiled at my job) so they have two choices for me. At first I really wanted a red couch, but the more I stew over it, the more I think I'd enjoy the plum couch more. I can pair it with more things, and it won't scream RED COUCH RED COUCH when people walk in.

I've also decided that my new goal in life is to move to a cape town in the east, buy a really old house and renovate it. My cousins lived in this really old house from the 1800's in Amarillo (it was one of the oldest homes there, on a cobbled street with black iron lamp posts) and it holds so many of my favorite childhood memories. I love when floors creak when I walk, and I love the fixtures and moldings of old homes. Anyway, beyond the point.

Plum or red couch. Help me decide.

rawr, i hate packing. but i hate going through boxes that have been hidden up in the attic and in the garage even more. I even found the beginnings of a wasp nest on the hidden side of one (needless to say I almost fell off the chair). I've had far too many encounters with earth's little creatures over the past few days. Yesterday I went on a hike with my siblings and my mom and we were walking the path and my mom heard a hissing and was like "I heard something" and of course I looked down and there was a five foot long rat snake right next to my leg. Also needless to say I lost my shit and refused to walk past it. I really don't like snakes.

Anyway, I have a lot of junk I need to sort through. Bah.